|I don't know what happened last time
||[19 Oct 2001|09:24pm]
I did an update but for some reason it didn't get posted. I don't know what happened. I'm going to be more deligent about this. I think it's a great way to talk to myself, and see how I'm feeling from day to day.
I had an o.k. week. It was my mom's birthday and brothers birthday. I tried to get Monique to wish her a happy birthday but it was all in vaine. I just think it would have meant so much to her, and to me. Sometimes people have falling outs and then they get over it, as it has happened so many times with most of her friends. I just wish the same would apply to family. But I decided I can't fix the world, and it saddens me everytime I try and can't so I guess I will just try less, and be there to comfort those who feel bad, or mad or just plain remorseful eventually. It's sad because getting along with people is a everyday reality in life and family is evermore so important. Especially those who have been there for us through thick and thin. Oh well.
I called Monique today at Zacs, it seemed like I was bothering her, I know I woke her up, but I was angry at the way she treated me. I feel so bad that I have good intentions when I call her and she just seems to turn it all around to were I just get my feelings hurt and I get angry.
Anyway I guess I'll go now.
I had a lot of fun last night at my mom's birthday party. I had a blast I think she did too. The day before that she was really sad it was her dad's birthday and she was really missing him. I guess she really misses both of them. But she looked really pretty last night. I'm glad I was able to go, and get all the homework done and leave the kids with Matt instead of alone.
Well now I will really go
|Help is on the way
||[10 Oct 2001|05:50pm]
O.k. I've been going through some really bad stuff lately, and my friend finally convinced me to seek some help. I was evaluated today over the phone while I was at work to start going to sessions with a therapist.
At times I feel so distraught, and guilty and helpless that I just really can't take it. I feel I'd rather like to die than to hurt the people I love. I'm on the verge of tears for no reason, or should I say lots of reasons. It's just very hard for me to control my emotions lately. I have seriously asked God to just take me quickly so I don't hurt anyone anymore.
I feel so responsible for the universal unhappiness my most precious Moniki lives in. The choices I made that have impacted her young precious life. How I just can't fix it, so she is able to progress and move forward and forgive. There are so many people she hates and it continues to drag her down. Because she holds on to so much.
I have no real daily contact with her, I call her boyfriends house to find out where she is and if she's back in Torrance.
I felt really bad this weekend when Nick came down because I wasn't able to really enjoy his company because I was feeling overwhelmingly guilty because I kept it from Matt, how I was able to plan it all out and carry it out so that he didn't find out and he wouldn't be hurt and I wouldn't have to put up with his insecurities. Things however fell apart in the end. Monique left me a voice mail, which unfortunately he heard and assumed the worst.
He had Mikey call me and tell me all about universal studios and how much fun they had, then I asked Mikey if he wanted to talk to me and he said O.K. and then the questions started I told him maybe we should talk about this when I get home and he said just tell me one thing is anyone at your moms house that isn't family. And I said maybe, and he said I just can't believe you've deceived me this way I didn't think you were capable. I said I have to do what I have to do to take care of my stuff myself because I don't have your support. I'll talk to you when I get home.
So I was all discombooberated for the remainder of the morning, I was really sad to see Nick so sad that he was leaving and the airport situation had me really nervous because I really don't know my way around as far as streets and stuff.
So he kept looking at me and touching my hair and telling me how much he loved me, and I kept thinking how sad he felt and how sad I felt that he felt sad, but I really wanted him to stop touching my hair because he was bugging me. I parked in the first place I found which had some stupid funky name like valet airport parking it was 3.00 for the first 30 minutes but those theives knew they were going to make me stay way over the 30 minutes, I guess the deal was that you had to call this stupid 800 number when you wanted to get picked up. So, we took the shuttle to the airport and they were not allowing anyone up on departures so you had to take the stupid escalator to departures and I had to stand in line with him because I used my credit card to buy his ticket on line so I had to show them my credit card and my I.D. and he had to show them his I.D. and check in his bag
they line was super long to check in to the terminal and get to the gate and only the passengers were allowed in so I said goodbye I kissed him and hugged him for a long time I know he doesn't want to let go of me when we are saying goodbye so I let him hold me for as long as he wanted knowing that it was going to take everything he had not to go after me when I walked away and beg me to go back with him. I was really glad he didn't and I hurried through the glass doors to try and find the stupid shuttle back. He gave me $10 dollars he said better take it just in case it's more money. Boy little did I know he was going to be right.
So I waited when then shuttle didn't come I called and waited and then it didn't come, so I called again and then one came I waved it down but he ignored me and took the way outside lane otherwise I would've jump in front of it. It unfortunately passed me up. I called again and yelled at the man telling him how the shuttle just passed me up and didn't even stop and how I have been waiting at least 25 minutes if not longer and he said he was so sorry and was going to send another one. I saw one moments later and I ran to it, even though my foot was bleeding from my sandal rubbing it raw when I got to the shuttle the driver says I can't get on because there was no place to sit, I told him I didn't care that I had been waiting for 25 minutes he said you haven't been waiting 25 minutes we keep going by every 5 minutes I said well I've called 4 times and I have been waiting he said whatever lady. I was so mad, we finally arrive to the parking lot and he didn't see this young guy moving this grey continental into another parking space from his same company and the guy and the shuttle crashed into each other I was standing holding on the the metal bar behind the driver and I flew forward twisting my wrist and landing on top of the driver, do you think for on instant the ass-hole asked if I was alright or anything of coarse not I picked myself up and checked to take sure I could move my fingers and my wrist asked to be let out of the stupid shuttle got into my car and drove to the gate and asked to speake to them manager, I told them about the whole ordeal and how they wouldn't pick me up and how this creep crashed and I was thrown forward and that my writst was hurt, so they figured they would just let me out and hope I wouldn't ask to be taken to the hospital for an x-ray. I just wanted to get home and get the second part of my ordeal over with.
I went the wrong way and had to turn back to get home.
When I got home Matt was getting dressed to go to the party at the bowling alley for Michael and Rene's twins and he said he didn't have time to talk to me. But I closed the door and insisted, I told him how I didn't want him to find out because I didn't want to hurt him and he hust broke down and started crying, I thought my heart would just break in half, I felt so bad.
So, we just started talking and everything just came out all of the why's and the becauses of the way things had turned really soo sooo bad between us. It was just the beginning, there was more talk the following day during lunch at work at a really beautiful restaurant that is meadevil I think that's how you spell it. I said how much he loved me and how he didn't realize that he was so rotten and he wanted to get help and how he was really going to try and make a contious effort to change and treat me better but he wanted to go the sessions with a counselor because he loved me and he didn't want to loose me.
So that's where we are at. I'm going to give it one last go, this time with the help of the pros.
But I still feel so very sad at times even though he is being really sweet.
So till next time
||[01 Oct 2001|05:20pm]
Well I guess when I write in here everything should not be all negative but about the way that things happened and the way I feel about it.
So lets see, it all started with Friday night, it was my dads' birthday and I wanted to see him so I just decided to do it since that's what I really wanted to do.
Melissa had a P.J. party to go to, which I find kind of strange but things change all the time and I guess what seems strange to me is somehow normal in these days and time.
I let Matt know at work that I was going to see my dad after work for his birthday and I would be picking up Mikey and he would be called by Melissa when the party was over for him to pick her up, from where ever she ended up, because I wasn't sure if she was going to be at the Mall or at Serena's house. But I was really proud of myself because I just marched over to his desk and just told him I was going over to my dad's and he was going to get Melissa and that's just what he was going to do. There was no room for questions or deals or compromises.
I know my dad was really sad because Monique didn't call him, even though things happened as they did, I just feel Monique should keep certain special occasions in mind like birthdays and hospital stays and such. For many many years they've done so much for her and they worry and ask how she's doing frequently. I guess, it just got to be too much for them the way things evolved with Monique, days of her not showing up to the house to sleep and staying out late at night, sleeping late and so much of what they're not use to experienceing.
Anyway I had a nice visit, but unfortunately I forgot my sunglasses. I picked up 4 new outfits my mom had from Fashion Outlet they're beautiful. But I still owe her for them. I get paid on Tuesday tomorrow. I also need to get my dad a birthday present and my sister Ruth one too and my mom and Nick because it's his birthday on the 8th of October. So you know where my money is going.
On Saturday I took Melissa shopping to downtown L.A. it was hot and we were really hungry. We stayed late because I got there late I got lost on my way there. But she got a lot of cute things, she helped me file and my company paid her so that was here shopping money and she even paid for lunch. It was nice to spend some time with her, sometimes I know she feels to neglected between all the things I need to do sometimes she feels like I have no time left for her.
I was going to spend the night friday night at my moms but I decided against it because I needed to go to downtown early in the morning and it would cut into the morning if I did that. So I came home really late friday night or Saturday monring I should say because it was after midnight. I was relieved when I say that Melissa was in my bed sleeping on top of the covers next to Matt. I took off her shoes and covered her with a spare blanket and cleaned off the bed in the office and went to bed. It was nice.
I woke up really early as usual. but that was o.k. and off we went. I didn't care how Matt felt about it. It just doesn't matter I would tear myself to pieces trying to keep everyone happy now I just don't care if he or anyone else likes what I do or not. (to a certain point) I still try to be sensitive to other peoples feelings. But not on what really matters.
Anyway I think that I better continue this later because I need to make dinner.
||[29 Sep 2001|04:50am]
Mom, I hope you like this journal. I made it with lots of love, Please use it when you need to write, when you need to vent and let things out. This is what it's for.
Don't hold back anything this is yours.
I love you.